Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
