I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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