allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i would punch a child for taco bell
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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