Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize