Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
