just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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