So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
