Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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