Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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