Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
