Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
