I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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