I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
