theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
