Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize