I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize