I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
