Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
