so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
