My first STD was from a foam party
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
