Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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