I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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