the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
