I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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