At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
