Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
