I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
