The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
