I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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