the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Two words: blizzard sex
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
