You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wish there were birth control emojis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
