Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
