I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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