My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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