I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
