i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
