Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
