we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
