I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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