She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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