I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
