she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
