You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
