She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
