apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
