i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
