Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
third nipple confirmed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
