Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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