Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
