Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
