I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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