I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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