i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
