don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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